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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Being Denied Sex - a different approach to rejection

Posted on Happy Minds!

You feel like making out, and you start making hints towards your partner. You try to kiss him. You try to stroke her hair. You even compliment him on doing the dishes, although you feel he doesn’t do enough around the house. You say that you love her dress although you are really not to much interested in the thing, you just want her to take it of and make sweet love to you.

What happens? You significant other half doesn’t feel like it today. She is tired. He is feeling grumpy, he just wants to drink whisky and forget about the failure at work today. She thinks that you are secretly having an affair, and doesn’t feel like giving you anything. He is feeling you are always saying you want to talk more, but it’s always about your feelings, and never about his.

So, what do you see yourself doing in this occasion? What do you see happening? It might just happen, that you do not feel much love and friendship for your partner and friend at that moment. It might just happen, that deep inside, you get angry with this person that is denying you sex after a long day full of challenges. You may notice that the very feeling that it all started out with, wanting to get close to your partner, has now transformed itself into some kind of resentment.

This situation, is the bases for a lot of stress within relationships. It is often the prelude to arguments, bad moods and even fights. So, what is basically happening here, and what can be done about it?

What is basically happening, is that you feel a need. You feel a need for something that is important to you: intimacy. You cherish your important self, and feel that is would be unfair if your hunger is not satisfied. What is happening, is you forgetting about the other person that is there. You are loosing yourself in self cherishing thought. You are spending energy on pleasing the self you think is there inside you.

Let’s see what could happen if you would try to forget about your own important self.

Let’s go back. You sincerely tried to seduce your partner. You’ve tried to make it absolutely clear that you feel like enjoying some intimate pleasures. What happened? Your love didn’t respond the way you like. Now, instead of spending lots of energy on your feeling of disappointment, you decide another approach. First, you just look at these nasty feeling that you have. You see them for what they are: just electrical storms in neurons. Just the result of self cherishing thought, delusional thoughts that are based on the false assumption that you are more important than anybody or just somebody else. Look at these feelings, and do not elaborate on them. Do not deny them there place, do not fight them, but also refuse to throw more wood on this fire. Do not allow thoughts that kindle these flames, nor allow thoughts that try to extinguish this fire. What will happen, is that after a while, mostly just a matter of minutes, this feeling starts to subside. Why? Because that feeling is not something real. It is not an entity. It has no real existence of its own. It is only a fluctuation in energy. If it’s not suppressed nor fed, it ceases to exist altogether.

Now suppose you succeed in letting go of these nasty thoughts. Still, that doesn’t solve the issue: you felt like some steaming love, and you’re unable to get it. Well, the way to get it is certainly not trying to grab it, hold on to it and drag it in. That’s cavemen’s style!

The way to get it, is patience. It will happen to you, but maybe not just now. Is that really that bad? Tomorrow it may happen twice, but chances for that are small if you start an argument! And because it is not happening now, there is a much better opportunity for you here!
Obviously, your partner is not feeling like sharing intimacy with you. So, it might just be that something in your friends life, is blocking this form of interaction. It may be, that he or she is not feeling so well. It may be that he’s tired. It may be that she’s feeling disappointed or insecure about something. It may be that he’s sad. It may be that she’s angry about something. And since you’re not getting any at the moment, both your hands are free to give this person the love they need to get through the rough times in life. If you succeed in letting go of being so fond of yourself and what you whish for your own self, your lovely ego, you can spend the same energy that you wanted to spend on some love-making, on being a really good friend. On just being available for her. On just listening to him. On doing something you know that she loves you to get done, some chore, anything. On giving him a backrub without demanding something for yourself. On massaging her feet and serving her a good glass of wine and some beautiful French cheese.

You see, you can spend an enormous amount of energy on trying to force out of life and other sentient beings what you want for yourself. But by demanding things, you want to have bread without first planting corn. You want to relax before the things that need to be done are done. It seems, that in life things do not work like that! It seems that by giving you open the door to receiving. By diminishing your own ego, your own important self, that is, by not allowing yourself to go into self-cherishing thoughts, you open the door to being important to other people.

If you expect that you will become loved by other people after you succeed in impressing them, manipulating them, demanding things from them, how come it doesn’t work the other way around? Do you love people because they obtain success for themselves? Do you love people because they tell you what to do? Do you love people because they constantly want you to satisfy their needs? Think about this!

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